Understanding the Illusion of Conversation
The Illusion of Connection
If you’ve ever felt like talking to someone was as productive as talking to a brick wall, you might resonate with Rebecca West’s observation. In her collection of stories, The Harsh Voice, she wrote,
“There is no such thing as conversation. It is an illusion. There are intersecting monologues, that is all.”
Experiencing Existential Isolation
Feeling like your conversations leave no impact on others is a sign of existential isolation. This often happens during bad dates, dreadful dinner parties, or long family gatherings.
Overcoming Barriers to Connection
Psychological Insights
Psychological research has identified various habits and biases that hinder our connections with others. Fortunately, making small adjustments to our conversational style can significantly improve our interactions.
Simple Adjustments for Better Conversations
Minor tweaks in how we converse can lead to substantial benefits. The key is to be more attentive and engaged during conversations.
Courtesy of
The Art of Listening
Listening as an Essential Skill
William Hazlitt, in his 1820 essay On the Conversation of Authors, stated,
“The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard.”
He noted that some of the best talkers are often the worst company because they fail to listen.
Learning from Great Listeners
Hazlitt admired the painter James Northcote for his exceptional listening skills, which made him a great conversationalist. Hazlitt wrote, “I never ate or drank with Mr Northcote; but I have lived on his conversation with undiminished relish ever since I can remember.”
The Power of Asking Questions
The Importance of Questions
Asking more questions is a simple yet effective way to improve conversations. Karen Huang, during her PhD research at Harvard University, invited over 130 participants to converse in pairs for 15 minutes. She found that the number of questions asked varied significantly among participants.
Questions and Likeability
In another experiment, Huang’s team analyzed conversations during a speed-dating event. They found that people who asked more questions were more likely to secure a second date. This shows that questions can enhance likeability by demonstrating a genuine interest in others.
Types of Questions
Huang identified six categories of questions:
- Introductory: “Hello! How’s it going?”
- Follow-up: ”I’m planning a trip to Canada.” “Oh, cool. Have you ever been there before?“
- Full switch: ”I am working at a dry cleaner’s.” “What do you like doing for fun?“
- Partial switch: “I’m not super outdoorsy, but not opposed to a hike or something once in a while.” “Have you been to the beach much in Boston?“
- Mirror: “What did you have for breakfast?” “I had eggs and fruit. How about you?“
- Rhetorical: “Yesterday I followed a marching band around.” “Where were they going? It’s a mystery.”
Effective Questioning
Follow-up questions, which seek more information about a previous point, are more engaging than “switch” questions that change the topic or “mirror” questions that simply reflect what was asked. Introductory questions, while necessary, do not show genuine interest.
Avoiding Self-Centered Questions
Avoid boomerasking—asking questions just to talk about yourself. For example, asking about someone’s job just to brag about your own promotion is particularly off-putting.
### The Art of Attention
Importance of Active Listening
People can tell when they are being listened to attentively, and this perception significantly influences their feelings of trust and overall well-being. The more attentively we listen to someone, the happier they feel.
Misleading Cues of Attention
Many of us mistakenly rely on nonverbal cues like nodding or empathetic facial expressions to show interest. While these can be genuine, they can also be faked, leading to misunderstandings.
Explicit Demonstrations of Attention
It’s safer to show attention through words. Paraphrasing what someone has said proves you are listening. Follow-up questions are powerful because they confirm you were paying attention.
Staying Focused
Focus on the core point the person is conveying. Validate their feelings or offer an alternative perspective only after showing you understand their viewpoint. Avoid distractions, as they weaken the connection.
The Disruption of ”Phubbing”
Constantly checking your smartphone during a conversation, known as ”phubbing,” disrupts the connection. An observational study found that even the presence of phones on the table reduced feelings of empathy and led to less fulfilling conversations.
The Fast Friends Procedure
Balanced Conversations
Contrary to popular belief, both parties should share airtime in a conversation. Understanding each other creates a shared reality.
Self-Disclosure Benefits
Arthur Aron demonstrated the power of self-disclosure through the “fast friends procedure.” Participants paired up and discussed a series of questions over 45 minutes. Some questions were light, while others were more probing.
Low vs. High Self-Disclosure
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Low Self-Disclosure Questions:
- How did you celebrate last Halloween?
- Describe the last pet you owned.
- Where did you go to high school?
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High Self-Disclosure Questions:
- What would constitute a perfect day for you?
- If you could live to 90 with the mind or body of a 30-year-old, which would you choose?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Results of Self-Disclosure
Participants in the high self-disclosure condition felt closer to their partners, rating their relationship as 4 out of 7, compared to 3 out of 7 in the low self-disclosure condition. These results have been replicated in large studies, showing effectiveness in both face-to-face and remote interactions.
Overcoming Expectations
People often expect self-disclosure to be awkward, but it usually leads to smoother conversations and a greater sense of connection than anticipated. Self-disclosure requires a leap of faith, but it generally results in a positive outcome.
Physiological Markers of Connection
Heightened self-disclosure can lead to physiological markers of social connection, such as synchronized brain and body responses and similar hormonal reactions to stress.### The Science of Social Connection
The Role of Natural Opioids in Bonding
The warm feelings of affection and trust that arise from self-disclosure are linked to the release of natural opioids in the brain, which encourages further bonding. To test this, Canadian scientists used naltrexone, a drug that blocks opioid signaling. Participants who took naltrexone were less open in conversations and experienced a reduced mood boost compared to those who took a placebo.
The Experiment
Researchers recruited around 160 participants, dividing them into pairs. Half received naltrexone, and the others a placebo, before discussing 36 self-disclosure questions. Post-conversation questionnaires revealed that those on naltrexone were less open and experienced a blunted mood boost.
Practical Application
Using the 36 questions requires tact. While you might slip one or two into a conversation, explaining your intent is crucial to avoid seeming odd. More importantly, embrace the spirit of the research by being transparent about your deeper thoughts and feelings. Sharing meaningful information can significantly boost long-term life satisfaction.
The Impact of Deep Conversations
Researchers equipped 486 participants with a small “electronically activated recorder” to eavesdrop on their interactions. They found that small talk had almost no impact on contentment, whereas deeper conversations involving meaningful exchanges significantly boosted happiness. When you share your soul, others often respond in kind, enhancing mutual well-being.
Understanding the Novelty Penalty
The Experiment
Gus Cooney’s team explored the “novelty penalty,” where people prefer familiar experiences over new ones. Participants watched one of two videos and then described it to others. Surprisingly, listeners preferred hearing about the video they had already seen, showing a general preference for familiar experiences.
Real-Life Implications
You might notice the novelty penalty when describing an exotic holiday. Your audience may seem uninterested, not because they don’t care, but because they lack the context to fully appreciate your experience. To avoid this, focus on shared interests or common experiences.
Overcoming the Novelty Penalty
Avoiding unfamiliar topics isn’t ideal for building social connections. If a subject is central to your life, find a way to express it. Use vivid storytelling to bridge the gap. For example, if discussing a trip with a gastronome, start with the food you ate to connect with their interests.
Strategies for Effective Communication
When discussing less familiar topics, provide enough details to avoid informational gaps. Consider the listener’s baseline knowledge and ask about their familiarity with the subject. In Cooney’s experiments, speakers reduced the novelty penalty by giving a complete narrative, making the discussion more engaging.
Balancing Conversations
Remember the novelty penalty when roles are reversed, and you struggle to engage with someone else’s experiences. Asking questions can help close the gap in understanding. Balance is key in conversations—balance in exchanges, depth of discussion, and familiarity of topics.
Conclusion
In conversation, demonstrate active attention, engage in self-disclosure, and avoid the novelty penalty to build mutual understanding and merge minds. Whether on a first date or meeting a lifelong friend, each sentence offers an opportunity for greater connection.
Excerpt adapted from The Laws of Connection: The Scientific Secrets of Building a Strong Social Network by David Robson. Published by Pegasus Books on June 4, 2024.
5 Comments
Are there enough guides already about mastering conversations?
Have you ever wondered if great conversations are just mind games?
Does anyone really “master” it or is it just common sense with a sprinkle of luck?
Do people nowadays even know what a real conversation is.
Avery Patel: Isn’t mastering conversations just about listening and asking good questions?